I feel uneasy tonight. I'm not sure if I helped or was had.
In what has become something of a Thursday-evening-post-basketball tradition, I drove to Walmart for some late night shopping. Two weeks ago it was new shorts and an exercise shirt. Last week it was another exercise shirt (because I liked the first one so much). This week it was new insoles and laces for my basketball shoes.
(Thelma, who has thoroughly documented her distaste for shopping at Walmart has driven me to these shopping trips under the cover of night.)
Approachable is not how I would have described myself as I trudged across the Walmart parking lot in mywife-beater sleeveless shirt, shorts and coordinating fleece vest. Sweaty, yes. Beleagured, perhaps. Approachable, no.
But a woman did approach. Something told me to stop and wait for her. She was caught somewhere between out-of-breath and verge-of-tears. I could see she was nervous talking to me. She tripped quickly over some desperate story that I couldn't quite make out. "...three kids...left my husband...hotel..." She must have been about my age, though she looked a little wilted on the edges from what smelled like cigarettes. Her clothing stuck me as odd. Her outfit looked like something Thelma would wear to church or the symphony.
After a few moments I interrupted her as kindly as I could, told her to take a deep breath and just let me know exactly what she needed. She had nine dollars. She needed another forty or so to get into the Motel 6 for the night. $51.60, to be exact. She was shaking. I couldn't tell if it was from the cold or from nerves, but I told her to find someplace warm to wait and I would see what I could do after I was done shopping.
As I made my way to the shoe section in the back of the store, I wondered if I should help or not. Was she really in need? Did she need the money? Maybe she wanted the money for something else and the hotel story was just a cover?
I found what I was looking for and headed for the cash register. With every step I heard a different Sunday School lesson about charity. The words of King Benjamin about caring for the poor raced through my mind.
I left the store with forty dollars in my pocket. I saw the woman sitting under the awning. She noticed me and soon we were standing again in the middle of the Walmart parking lot. I asked her if she still needed help with getting a hotel room. I was hesitant about just handing her the money, so I offered to give her a ride to the hotel. She said she was waiting for her son. I offered to wait with her or give both of them a ride if that made her more comfortable. That must have given her some confidence that I wasn't trying to take advantage of her. She told me later that others had tried to do so that night. She made a phone call telling her son to meet her at the hotel and then accepted my offer. "You give off a good vibe," she added.
It was probably just the vest.
I drove her to the Motel 6. I checked to make sure she had enough money before I dropped her off. She emptied her wallet and was about two dollars short. We drove to the Albertsons across the street where I let her pick out some food (a chef salad and Sprite) and I withdrew a few more dollars. Then it was back to the Motel 6. I handed her the money, she thanked me profusely, grabbed her bags and got out of the car. I drove off as she walked into the motel lobby.
Had I done the right thing? Did she really need the room? I pulled into the Denny's parking lot next to the hotel and parked where I could see into the lobby. Was I really going to stake out the Motel 6 from a Denny's parking lot? I had been willing to help, regardless of the actual circumstance, but I still wanted to know. Had I helped or had I been had?
Eventually, I could see her talk to the clerk. I assume she paid for a room. I lost sight of her through the parking lot as she left the lobby and walked toward the rooms.
Driving home, I prayed and gave thanks for the blessings in my life. I asked that something good would come of what had happened. I prayed that something positive would happen in the woman's life. (It's strange that I don't even know her name.)
I marveled, though, at how uneasy I felt. I feel that way now. I don't know why. I'm convinced I did the right thing. Maybe it's all the unseen faces I'm thinking about. All the people who are in need somewhere for something. Will someone help them? Does someone care?
Maybe it's because I saw my own nothingness in the face of a stranger's need. My own utter dependence on the Lord, His kindness and grace and mercy. I saw the gossamer silliness of the sins and pride that cause me to forget that I am after all still a beggar.
I'm comforted by the words of the prophet, Thomas S. Monson, in a recent address about gratitude:
In what has become something of a Thursday-evening-post-basketball tradition, I drove to Walmart for some late night shopping. Two weeks ago it was new shorts and an exercise shirt. Last week it was another exercise shirt (because I liked the first one so much). This week it was new insoles and laces for my basketball shoes.
(Thelma, who has thoroughly documented her distaste for shopping at Walmart has driven me to these shopping trips under the cover of night.)
Approachable is not how I would have described myself as I trudged across the Walmart parking lot in my
But a woman did approach. Something told me to stop and wait for her. She was caught somewhere between out-of-breath and verge-of-tears. I could see she was nervous talking to me. She tripped quickly over some desperate story that I couldn't quite make out. "...three kids...left my husband...hotel..." She must have been about my age, though she looked a little wilted on the edges from what smelled like cigarettes. Her clothing stuck me as odd. Her outfit looked like something Thelma would wear to church or the symphony.
After a few moments I interrupted her as kindly as I could, told her to take a deep breath and just let me know exactly what she needed. She had nine dollars. She needed another forty or so to get into the Motel 6 for the night. $51.60, to be exact. She was shaking. I couldn't tell if it was from the cold or from nerves, but I told her to find someplace warm to wait and I would see what I could do after I was done shopping.
As I made my way to the shoe section in the back of the store, I wondered if I should help or not. Was she really in need? Did she need the money? Maybe she wanted the money for something else and the hotel story was just a cover?
I found what I was looking for and headed for the cash register. With every step I heard a different Sunday School lesson about charity. The words of King Benjamin about caring for the poor raced through my mind.
16 And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish.
19 For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?
21 And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to impart of the substance that ye have one to another.I had made up my mind by the time I reached the check stand. I didn't know if she needed the help or not, but it no longer mattered to me. It felt like the right thing to do and I was going to stand firmly on the side of helping.I feel blessed. I have been overcome with gratitude more than once in the past week for the many blessings in my life. Thelma is chief among them. As are my children. I have a family that loves me. I have a home and a good job and the means to care for my family. I have a wife that wears herself out serving others and teaches my children to be kind and faithful, in addition to teaching them reading, writing and arithmetic. I have the covenants of the Temple and the promise that my family will be together forever. I have parents that love me and a even few in-laws that think I'm OK. With such abundance, could I really see another's lack and I not share?
I left the store with forty dollars in my pocket. I saw the woman sitting under the awning. She noticed me and soon we were standing again in the middle of the Walmart parking lot. I asked her if she still needed help with getting a hotel room. I was hesitant about just handing her the money, so I offered to give her a ride to the hotel. She said she was waiting for her son. I offered to wait with her or give both of them a ride if that made her more comfortable. That must have given her some confidence that I wasn't trying to take advantage of her. She told me later that others had tried to do so that night. She made a phone call telling her son to meet her at the hotel and then accepted my offer. "You give off a good vibe," she added.
It was probably just the vest.
I drove her to the Motel 6. I checked to make sure she had enough money before I dropped her off. She emptied her wallet and was about two dollars short. We drove to the Albertsons across the street where I let her pick out some food (a chef salad and Sprite) and I withdrew a few more dollars. Then it was back to the Motel 6. I handed her the money, she thanked me profusely, grabbed her bags and got out of the car. I drove off as she walked into the motel lobby.
Had I done the right thing? Did she really need the room? I pulled into the Denny's parking lot next to the hotel and parked where I could see into the lobby. Was I really going to stake out the Motel 6 from a Denny's parking lot? I had been willing to help, regardless of the actual circumstance, but I still wanted to know. Had I helped or had I been had?
Eventually, I could see her talk to the clerk. I assume she paid for a room. I lost sight of her through the parking lot as she left the lobby and walked toward the rooms.
Driving home, I prayed and gave thanks for the blessings in my life. I asked that something good would come of what had happened. I prayed that something positive would happen in the woman's life. (It's strange that I don't even know her name.)
I marveled, though, at how uneasy I felt. I feel that way now. I don't know why. I'm convinced I did the right thing. Maybe it's all the unseen faces I'm thinking about. All the people who are in need somewhere for something. Will someone help them? Does someone care?
Maybe it's because I saw my own nothingness in the face of a stranger's need. My own utter dependence on the Lord, His kindness and grace and mercy. I saw the gossamer silliness of the sins and pride that cause me to forget that I am after all still a beggar.
I'm comforted by the words of the prophet, Thomas S. Monson, in a recent address about gratitude:
We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.”
Regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings.
This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways.So tonight, while I feel uneasy about what happened, I also feel grateful for all the good that comes into my life because of what others are willing to share with me.
Comments
I enjoyed reading your story. I suppose you will never know if your money was truly needed but I can most assuredly say that it wasn't wasted since your kind act provides proof in the goodness of mankind and you made me (a complete stranger who happened to stumble across your blog by hitting the "next blog" button)glow in the warmth of your kindness. No doubt your kindness will be repaid. Have a good one.
Debbie