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Awake. Again.

I arrived home from work with just enough daylight and just enough Spring to mow the lawn.  Braeden and I reveled in the straight lines and greening blades.  "It's the awakening," he said.

—

I sat in the temple and smiled at the sight of Emma and Braeden sitting side by side, quiet and content.  Outside the temple, we stared up at the stained glass, the angel, the glowing walls.  I asked Emma how she felt.  "Light and airy," she replied.

—

Driving home from the airport, I listened to my mother describe her trip to Disneyland with Megan, Talia and Jackson.  "If your dad were still alive..." she began to say.  For the first time, I smiled and laughed instead of fighting back tears.

—

Awake.

Light.

Laugh.

Alive.

Again.

—

Everyone is asleep.  I sit down to write.  I don't cry.  I don't turn away.  It's a change.  I can write again, at last.  But it's not the same as Before.  Everything seems different now that I live in After.

Eighteen months since he left.  My father.  There was a last goodbye.  A last hug and kiss.  A last "thank you" from him, though it should have been from me.  I did not know until a few hours later that they would be the last.

I did not know until he was gone that part of what I thought was me, was really him.  I didn't know how much I relied on him.  How much he lifted me.

He wasn't really gone, though, was he?  No.  I didn't have to search for the answer.  There was no crisis.  No need to wonder, to question.  That part of me remained.  The part that is assured.  The part that loves and longs.  The part that knows.  The part that sees me through After and waits for Again.

—

"It's the awakening," he said.

Again.
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Comments

Coralee Dahl said…
Beautiful, Adam. I'm so glad you wrote that.
March 10, 2011 at 7:22 AM
Marianne said…
This is amazing Adam. I am sitting here at the computer sobbing. I'm so glad you are in our family!
March 10, 2011 at 3:26 PM
Olivia Cobian said…
This makes me cry, Adam. Since we're all saying what we're so glad for, I'm so glad for the great dad you have and the great dad you are. To say nothing of your great writing ability.
March 11, 2011 at 3:17 PM
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